Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Falls Apart

 
 
One of the cornerstones of my personality is the epic crash and burn.  There is no denying it.  I sometimes move along at a breakneck pace the likes of which no normal mind can possibly comprehend.  I have so many racing thoughts and ideas that it's a veritable cornucopia of thoughts permeating my mental sphere.
 
There is a problem with that as awesome as I may make it sound.  I can only keep it up for so long then I crash and burn.  Right now is one of those times.  It's been a hectic 6 months for me with a few things happening.  I went back to school earlier this year and it was an eye opening experience.  At my age, 31, I was thrust into the clique structure of what is basically a para-high school experience.  It's above high school, but in many ways there are still the same systems in place.  I am ill-equipped to deal with them.
 
My social anxieties get the best of me on the best of days.  My untold secret, that is untold no more, is that I have agoraphobia.  The crowds of the college scene absolutely decimate my nerves.  Just walking through a simple atrium stacked with people can cause me great panic.  So it was a lot to endure over the course of several months.  Now it is over and I am crashing.
 

Yea, the above is me.  A multi-ton locomotive barreling down the tracks uncontrollable, literally smashing any obstacles in my way into shattered debris.  So what is the crash, the falls, the depression like?

It's is terrifying in many senses.  There is no escaping the lethargy.  It grips like you the stranglehold of a callous killer about to cause your soul's departure.  it's literally impossible to get up the energy to do day to day activities, let alone fundamentally healthy actions like exercise.  It makes even keeping up your hygiene an act of great effort. 

Then there is the infinite melancholy residing in your mind like the stars reside in the cold black sky.  It engulfs you and leaves you cold, shaking and definitely not stirred.  It's the sadness that is essential to shaping a worldview such as mine.

So what is the worst part?  Fighting it.  Fighting it can become like a heavyweight boxing match where you happen to be the much slower middle-weight.  You are out-classed.  You can't give up however, you have to move on.  You have find a purpose to continue.  You simply cannot be defeated because you are the master.  The guy who just last week was on top of the world and unstoppable in all his glory.  Nothing and that is repeatable.  Nothing can withstand your might.  You must keep your head above the waves and remember one thing.  You have hope.

Hope is what I have. 

Thanks for reading again and as always, enjoy life and live happy!


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